Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
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Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.