My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
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“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.