Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
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Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
Me too
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.