“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
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The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
The news in a nutshell.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”