Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
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Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.