fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
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*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
Not helping