FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
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*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.