I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
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Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat