Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
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i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!