Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
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Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.