why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
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Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.