Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
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You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Buck naked
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
White Castle for the Win
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.