PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
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That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
Well, shit
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
I can’t wait!
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
My dog ate my work from home.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?