Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
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Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
How I like cutting carbs
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.