One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
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A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
finally
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.