My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
You Might Also Like
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
#Caturday
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
My kitchen overserved me.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.