No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
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Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.