I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
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Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
He-man has a Masters degree
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare
Librarian: which one?
Me: William
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?