Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
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Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
dictator is short for richard potato
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers