If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
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6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.