Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
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When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts