At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
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confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.