If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
You Might Also Like
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
this FaceApp is creepy af
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.