Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
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“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin