THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
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How high do the levels go?
🤣😂🤣
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
A classic…
What an awful time to have common sense.
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.