I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
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🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.