He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
You Might Also Like
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Ok, but like, how married are you?
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.