My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
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Coffee for people with no kids
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Who chose this font
WTF
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
do horses think humans are hats
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
My dad teaching me to drive
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.