[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
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I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠