What’s dopamine is dopayours.
You Might Also Like
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
Cannot stop laughing at this
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”