Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
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10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.