*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
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before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
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Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Try and stop me.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…