I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
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I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
Pretty much! 😂👀
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.