“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
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Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no