me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
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What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
Social distancing in Australia:
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.