Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
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Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
I feel seen