I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
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Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
damn he’s good
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”