are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
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“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.