every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
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*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.