Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
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I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
c’mon!
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day