If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
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When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
Siri: Retweet me.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Best table by far
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Perfect.
Goodnight 🐶
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.