New mindset, who dis?
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“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”