A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
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I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa