Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
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Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head