“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
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Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.