Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
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Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
Haha good job!!
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Practicing safe sax
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
Not many talk about it anymore, ever since they dropped the sport as “not Olympic enough,” “undignified and stupid,” and “Who the hell let him in here again?” but I was proud to represent the US at the ’56 Winter Games in Men’s Pillow-Fighting.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
Finally, an instrument I can play!
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
as you get older nothing loses its sting more than an authority figure saying they are disappointed in you. like I don’t know what to tell you, Darryl, we can’t both live in the prison of your expectations
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.