Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
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“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!