My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
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Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?