Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
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[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
fired
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol