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My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?